Hax: How do 'real men' end friendships?

Dear Carolyn:

I've known my best friend, "Hal," since high school. We're in our late 30s now, and I don't have another male friend with whom I have been as close. We considered ourselves as close as brothers. But over the past 5 to 10 years, so much distance has developed between us that I feel like calling him my best friend says more about the void in my social life than our relationship.

When he writes me an increasingly infrequent, brief "update" email, he often cites how busy he is with work and family as an excuse for not writing or calling. And in the past, he has expressed frustration with how he attracts "needy" friends who consume his time and energy. He wasn't specifically referring to me, but it made me self-conscious about contacting him.

In brief, this friendship is done. I know it. My question is about how to address that with him. Do I write him an honest letter stating that I feel like the friendship has run its course? Or do I not address it at all?

I feel like real men don't write each other emotional "breakup" letters; friendships come and go and men let it roll off their backs without so much as a twinge of regret or sadness.

Well, I have a hard time letting the friendship die a gradual death. I just need a way of acknowledging that and moving on. What would a woman do in this situation, and is that the same thing a man should do?

-- Needy needs advice

Dude, you've got me feeling a little self-conscious now. Anyone for a spinoff, "I Miss You, Man"?

You're staring down a problem -- well, more of a disappointment -- that doesn't discriminate. Plenty of women also feel like complete dorks when they face the prospect of sending a "breakup" letter to a friend. They also tend to choose what you're choosing -- to let the friendship die of natural causes -- even knowing it's an unsatisfying end.

But what helps, often, sort of, is knowing there's no satisfying end to a relationship you'd rather keep. The sting of rejection is unavoidable, and it's a chromosome-blind sensation. So too is this one: missing your friend. Or partner, or family member, or former version of yourself. Men miss men, men miss women, women miss men, women miss women; we cry over pets like we gave birth to them ourselves. When we don't miss our parents or sibs, it's because either they live down the street or we're too busy missing the parents/sibs we wish we had instead of the ones we got.

Break Up Letters To Boyfriend: Ending Your Relationship In Writing ...

How to Write a Break Up Letter to Your Boyfriend If you’re looking for break up letters to boyfriends, it’s probably because you seek guidance for an impending break up. You’ll find that here. In the future, I’ll provide samples of break up letters to boyfriends (not real letters, but something you can model), but for now I want to give some guidelines.

Many people say that a break up letter is never appropriate, and that you should do it face-to-face. I strongly disagree. Many times, doing it this way is best — sometimes doing it face-to-face can be too scary (so you end up delaying) or even dangerous (if he has a history of abuse). We even have a term for break up letters to boyfriends: “A Dear John letter.” Of course, in these days, it’s not always break up letters; just as often, it’s a break up email (though hopefully you’re not sending a break up text to your boyfriend!)

Following these break up letter steps:

(Or go to my break up blog to find my Breakup Letters to Boyfriend post)

Step 1: Why I’m writing

After your “Dear [Boyfriend],” explain the reasons why you couldn’t speak face-to-face. Maybe you’re scared, maybe he acts violent, or maybe you just feel too guilty to face him. Tell him that you know he would want to hear this information as soon as possible, and this is the best way for you to do it.

Step 2: Why we’re breaking up

Tell your boyfriend that you’ve decided to end the relationship. You might want to explain why, or it might be obvious to you both (e.g., cheating). Focus on yourself and how you feel, and try not to dwell on your ex-boyfriend’s faults.

If there isn’t a clear reason, you might just say that though you appreciate his positive qualities, the relationship isn’t working for you. Express that you’ve enjoyed your time together, but now you know it’s time for you to move on. Let him know that you’ll have fond memories (if it’s true).

Step 3: “Get help”

If the relationship was troubled by your his unhealthy behavior (e.g., cheating, substance abuse, violence), you may want to express how that affected you. You can recommend that he get help. Repeat that you know that it’s time for you to move on, and that — even if he changes for the better — your decision remains.

For the Love of Letters, A 21st-Century Guide to the Art of Letter Writing

Hell Hath No Fury, Women's Letters from the End of the Affair

Sari Says, The Real Dirt on Everything from Sex to School

In love and struggle, letters in contemporary feminism

Letters to a Young Sister, Define Your Destiny